He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
