i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were trust falling into bushes
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
