I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
