how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
