If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
high people should be assigned attendants
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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