I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
