I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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