She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
