i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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