Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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