I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
