So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
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You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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