youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
