you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
