Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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