it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
