I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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