Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
