I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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