Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
