The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
