Just cropdusted the office
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
