Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
