She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
