she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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