Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
