I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
