my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
