mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
