Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
