he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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