and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and she was petting her beer can
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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