if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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