I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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