____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You may now shotgun with the bride
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
