Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
