I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
