We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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