when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was like eating out sand paper
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
