I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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