I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
