I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
