She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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