you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
