Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
