Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
