Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
