First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
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He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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