we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
