Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
