So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
