I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
