watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
