I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
