It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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