remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
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If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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